Wide Awake

"The darkest night is often the bridge to the brightest tomorrow.'' - Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I feel I have been in hiding for months and it's time to throw off the covers and show my face again.  My blog has been 'under construction' because I was dealing with major emotional turmoil and experiencing the end of another chapter.  I needed time to reflect on the decisions I made and felt uncomfortable having my blog up for everyone to read.  I am ready to embark on a new journey in my life.  I am still living out the last couple of weeks of my old life and that has been very painful - to put it mildly.  I have always been a highly sensitive person and when I am faced with a swirling backlash of mixed emotions, it is easy for my energy to get depleted.

The past few months have been a reflective time...really the past couple of years.  I have experienced feelings of guilt, heartbreak, hopelessness, angst and fury.  I don't want to sound disheartened and downright depressing because - as most of you know - I have also experienced blissful feelings of love, happiness, freedom and self exploration.  I am sharing the tough stuff with you though.  I am still healing by practicing forgiveness and compassion for people and circumstances.  I need to forgive myself too and cultivate love for the 'innocent child still learning the ropes.' Anger and dissolution from my authentic self only permeates illness and fatigue.  I would feel so uncomfortable at times that I would detach from my physical body.

Endings are not easy. 

The past 2 years of my life slowly unraveled into a dramatic series of uncomfortable situations that have felt like punches to my gut left and right.  I have learned lessons - some repeatedly - but they have all led me to the road where I can finally start to fulfill my soul's purpose in this life to teach.

And what's the rush - really.  Sometimes I feel I am in battle with the cosmic forces, Divine Timing, and my own ego-ridden impatience about moving onto something greater.  I have found several times now that initiating something by 'force' will always land me in greater despair.  I learned that when I hesitate about making a decision...that is my ego in conflict with God's plan.  This may not always be the case, but the hesitation signals a conflict between what the soul really needs and what the soul thinks it wants.

Have I been creative the past few months?

I am sitting here thinking really hard about this question -- so my answer is: 

Not really.

I have danced occasionally (not much at all) and felt creative at times with grad school work.  I have written a few poems, which is always therapeutic for me.  Teaching will allow me to be creative and explore a new side of myself.  My light has been blown out, stoked and stirred up over the past 2 years.  My job now is to keep my light shining brightly for all to see.  It is all good though.  The death of my old life is about to give birth to a refreshing and divinely authentic way of life.  Pop singer, Katy Perry, recently released a new single that resonates with where I am in my life.  I feel like the lyrics in the song, "Wide Awake," were written to summarize the past couple of years of my life.  The music video tells a vivid and amazing story of clarity and rebirth.

Falling from cloud 9

Crashing from the high

I'm letting go tonight

Yeah, I'm falling from cloud 9

I'm wide awake

Not losing any sleep

I picked up every piece

And landed on my feet

I'm wide awake

Need nothing to complete myself, no

I'm wide awake

Thunder rumbling

Castles crumbling

I'm wide awake

I am trying to hold on

I'm wide awake

God knows that I tried

Seeing the bright side

I'm wide awake

But I'm not blind anymore...

I'm wide awake

Yeah, I am born again

Outta the lion's den

I don't have to pretend

And it's too late

The story's over now, the end

I'm

Wide Awake.